I remember it like it was yesterday. First talking to your partner about building a man cave is a terrifying thing. It can be a difficult and vulnerable conversation to have. If you aren’t comfortable having these types of conversations, you are exactly the person this article is for.
The first time I talked to my partner about building a man cave was pretty nerve-wracking. First, you will be to set your own expectation for how the conversation will go, we are trying to start the conversation. Next, you need to start the conversation by using I statements. Then, make your intentions for the man cave clear, be honest and show that you are serious. After that, it is important to address your partner’s concerns, and then ask them to be a part of the process. If they feel a part of the process, you are more likely to get their buy-in.
What Are Your Expectations For the Conversation?
Before we even start the conversation, we want to clarify our own personal expectations for how this conversation is going to go. When doing this, we need to be realistic. No matter how much we want to, we can’t control how people will react.
We can only control ourselves. This needs to be our first expectation. The only thing we can control is the words we say, and how we say them.
The second important expectation we need to have is that we are probably not going to get an answer right away. It sure would be nice if we could, but that’s not how things work, unfortunately.
Instead of expecting an answer, a realistic expectation of this conversation is another open conversation. My hope is that by following this article, you will be able to open the lines of communication with your partner on the idea of creating a man cave retreat.
How to Start the Conversation:
Sometimes, starting these hard conversations is the hardest part. By the end of this article, you will have a clear game plan, a script almost. But until then, we have a few things to cover.
This first step is to start the conversation. For this step of the conversation, I statement is important. Examples of I statements are “I am…”, “I want…”, and “I feel…”. These are important because we only want to talk from our perspective, and what we are feeling.
I statements have been around for a long time. They play an important role if effective communication. That’s what we are aiming for here right? We want to successfully communicate what we want and why. During vulnerable conversations, people can sometimes feel defensive or discounted. Stick with the I statements, and your conversation will be off to a solid start.
“Good morning ___. I was hoping to talk to you about something. So I’ve been doing some thinking lately, and I realized that I really want to try turning that unused spare bedroom into an entertainment room/man cave”.
Make Your Intentions Clear, Be Honest!
The next step of the conversation is to let them know why. What are your intentions? What are you hoping to get from this room?
Those of you reading this before having this conversation has probably saved your rear. If you start your conversation without having a clear idea of why you want it, your partner will not think you are serious. So, what do you want to get from a man cave?
Are you hoping to have a place to entertain friends? Is it a place you want to be able to relax? Or maybe you really enjoy DIY work, and you saw some awesome ideas that you want to try. Whatever your reason, it is important, to be honest. If your partner feels you are being shifty or are lying, you have zero chance of getting their buy-in.
“I really want the chance to make a space my own. It would be cool to make it a place that we can entertain friends, and also relax or unwind. I think it would look really good if I hung up some of those things I collect”.
Address Your Partner’s Concerns:
Don’t Want it to Interfere With Relationship:
Man caves get a lot of flack for “causing relationship problems”. Although I do not have any definitive data for you on this, I can say they can cause I disconnect between a couple if they are not used responsibly. But this is why we are taking the time to have an authentic conversation with our spouse, to address these potential issues.
Without being in your partner’s head, we have no idea what their concerns will actually be. But the first one that comes to my mind is their concern that you will isolate, or not spend any time with them after this. If you think this is something they are concerned about, how are you planning on easing their mind?
Unfortunately, this is the part you are going to need to do by yourself. I will suggest that you offer some compromises here… There is one other concern that you need to be ready for.
How Much Will It Cost?
Like most people, there is a chance that when your partner hears “I want”, that starts wondering how expensive it will get. In reality, depending on the decisions you make, it could get pretty expensive. Before you start this conversation with your partner, have a detailed plan that shows you are serious and have a general number that you are thinking of as a budget.
Like I said earlier, when they realize how seriously you are taking this, they will hopefully understand that it is a decision you are not taking lightly and that you are doing the necessary planning.
“I’ve done a lot of thinking about it and I think I can turn that room into a man cave with a fairly cheap budget. I know man caves have a bad name, but I would rather it be a space that we could both use”.
Invite Them to Be a Part of the Project:
The last part of this conversation is a little bit of an olive branch. If we want their buy-in, your partner needs to be getting something out of the man cave also. That stereotypical man cave where women or forbidden just isn’t realistic. That whole idea is pretty outdated.
If what your partner is getting out of the man cave is time away from you… the well… yikes. Let’s just assume they need to get something else out of it. This is why it is really important that you make this a team effort. Include your partner in your plan or designs. My partner was a huge help because I have almost zero eyes for what looks good.
Be strategic about how you approach this. What does your partner value most? Would being apart of the design process and being valued be what they want? Or would they want to play a part in what goes into it? If you have been with your partner for a while, you will have a good idea of what would work best.
Then, once you have said everything you wanted to, ask what they think. This shows that you are serious about caring what they think. When a person feels like their input is heard, they tend to feel a part of the plan.
Using my example, I would probably say something like:
“I would really like this to be a team effort. You the design person out of the two of us anyways. What do you think?”
Put it All Together:
So if you put that all together, the script would look like this:
“Good morning ___. I was hoping to talk to you about something. So I’ve been doing some thinking lately, and I realized that I really want to try turning that unused spare bedroom into an entertainment room/man cave.
I really want the chance to make a space my own. It would be cool to make it a place that we can entertain friends, and also relax or unwind. I think it would look really good if I hung up some of those things I collect.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about it and I think I can turn that room into a man cave with a fairly cheap budget. I know man caves have a bad name, but I would rather it be a space that we could both use.
I would really like this to be a team effort. You the design person out of the two of us anyways.
What do you think? ”
Use this script as a framework for your conversation. Stay cool, remember your I statements, and you will be on your way to creating your very own man cave.
Until next time,